There Are Very Few Places That Cater to the Childfree

One of the things I think gets lost amid the parents and children out there, are those of us who would enjoy a childfree environment out in public.  Not generally out in public, but in specific places.  But there seems to be very few of these places in existence.  Any restaurant with a kids menu is somewhere I would expect to find children.  But I've been surprised lately at the number of restaurants where I wouldn't expect families with children, and yet, there they are.  I'm talking about higher end places, with no kids menu or booster seats available, and perhaps even a dress code. 

These are not kid friendly environments, yet parents seems to blithely ignore this fact.  Instead they let their little darlings make noise, cry, or bring bright electronic devices into quiet, dimly lit, and distinctly adult orientated places.  The attitude seems to be, "If you don't like it, don't look.  Or eat somewhere else."

But the thing is, I'm paying for a more expensive meal because I enjoy the atmosphere of the restaurant.  Only now the quiet is being pierced by loud little voices, and the romantic lighting is brightened by a portable DVD player, iPad, or game system.  In subdued lighting, these bright little screens are very distracting.

This attitude, that my child is so special I don't have to take anyone else into consideration, really burns my butt!  Having children is not an excuse for throwing all manners out the window, and children are not an excuse for rude behavior.  If you're going to bring your child to an adult oriented restaurant, then teach them to behave in one.  And in return, I'll ignore their screams and electronics when I'm anywhere that serves chicken fingers.

Kid Crazy: Why We Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood by Time

The entire Time article can be found here.

In what is one of the best lines ever written about parenthood, author John Cloud says, “Now comes new research showing that having kids is not only financially foolish but that kids literally make parents delusional.”

I knew it.

There are a group of parents out there who, upon learning of my happily childfree life, feel the need to lecture me.  I’ve never quite worked out why they do this.  I don’t feel the need to lecture them on their reproductive choices.  But these are the parents who are damned and determined to tell me how having children is simply the best choice they’ve ever made, by far.  I smile politely. because what do you say to that?  I could wax poetically about the joys of not having children, too, but there’s really no point.  These parents are on an all out mission to convince me that I need to have kids.  I’ve harbored a secret thought for a while that it wasn’t really me these parents were trying to convince...

Enter the theory of cognitive-dissonance.  To quote Mr. Cloud again, cognitive-dissonance “suggests that people are highly motivated to justify, deny or rationalize to reduce the cognitive discomfort of holding conflicting ideas.”

I’m a conflicting idea for these parents.  I’m a successful, happy person, satisfied and complete.  My family is whole and strong.  All without children.  I do not live my life to challenge anyone, and I am not childfree as a way of giving those who choose differently the finger.  But I think, sometimes, this is how I am being perceived.  Hence the onslaught of all the reasons why I’m wrong and they’re right.

The studies the Time article looks at tested the hypothesis that “idealizing the emotional rewards of parenting helps parents to rationalize the financial costs of raising children.”

“Here’s how cognitive-dissonance theory works when applied to parenting: having kids is an economic and emotional drain. It should make those who have kids feel worse. Instead, parents glorify their lives. They believe that the financial and emotional benefits of having children are significantly higher than they really are.”

And their conclusion?

“When we have invested a lot in a choice that turns out to be bad, we’re really inept at admitting that it didn’t make rational sense. Other research has shown that we romanticize our relationships with spouses and partners significantly more when we believe we have sacrificed for them. We like TVs that we’ve spent a lot to buy even though our satisfaction is no lower when we watch a cheaper television set.”

“As Eibach and Mock write, “As children’s economic value plummeted, their perceived emotional value rose, creating a new cultural model of childhood that [one researcher] aptly dubbed ‘the economically worthless but emotionally priceless child.”

If Only I Didn't Have Kids...

Photo by Evil Yoda

I recently announced at my workplace that my husband and I were moving across the globe for a few years.  I haven't hid the fact that this was a very real possibility for us, yet it seemed to take most of my co-workers by surprise.  The one comment I've heard over and over is, "I'd love to do something like that...  If only I didn't have kids..."

This comment is made with varying degrees of wistfulness and accusation.  I get the wistfulness.  When people talk about doing amazing things that I dream of one day doing, I also get wistful.  But the accusation I don't get.  The follow up comments are usually offered are then usually along the lines of, "It must be nice to not have kids."  Or if people are feeling venomous, "It must be nice to have no responsibility." 

I don't apologize for being childfree.  It was a very conscious choice on my part after many long discussions with my husband.  We talked about what we really wanted out of our lives, and determined that children were not a part of what we envisioned.  So now we have the freedom to do things like pick up and move to the other side of the world.  Besides, ultimately, I don't think children stop people from doing things like this, families move all the time.

Becoming a Mother at Any Cost

Today I read about Rajo Devi Loha, believed to be the world's oldest mother at age 70.  She is dying just 18 months after giving birth to her daughter.  She has been quoted as saying: "I dreamed about having a child all my life," she told the Daily Mail. "It does not matter to me that I am ill, because at least I lived long enough to become a mother."

The entire Mail article can be found here:  World's Oldest Mother Dying

Now, I know I have a particular bias here, as a childfree individual.  But the whole idea of becoming a mother at all costs, with no regard for the child you are bringing into the world is very disturbing.  One of the accusations that has been hurled at me for my procreation choices is that I am selfish.  I have rejected this idea totally, but things like this make me want to scream, "And you call me selfish?!"

Mrs Lohan's doctor Anurag Bishnoi has said,  "Even though Rajo's health is deteriorating, at least she will die in peace,' he said. 'She does not have to face the stigma of being barren."

Yes, I can completely understand how leaving a daughter without a mother is better than being barren.  How the putting the purely selfish desire to have a baby before consideration for that child and the life they will have is better than being barren.

A Safe Haven

Image: By by Mish Bradley at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mishbradley/316813381/

Why a blog about being childfree?  It's a fair question.  There are other blogs and website dedicated to the same purpose, many of which (I'm sure) are far superior to this humble one. 

The truth is that, at this point in time, children are a major part of my thoughts.  Their presence in my life is unmistakable, even with their physical absence.  I am an educated, professional, married woman.  I am at a stage in my life when "normal women" want children.  My friends are all either parents or trying to become parents.  Setting me dramatically apart, I just had a serious conversation with my husband about getting a vasectomy. 

I have known for a long time that I haven't wanted to children.  There is no part of me that yearns to be a mother.  But the pressure and questions are intimidating, and (not surprisingly) none of my friends understand this.  So I created a safe haven.  My hope is to provide information and resources to others like me, who have no intention of ever becoming mothers as well as perhaps explain why I am okay with my choice, while at the same time affirming things in my own mind.

 So, on that note, welcome to Free From Kids.  I hope you'll come back soon to see all that I have planned.