Kid Crazy: Why We Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood by Time

The entire Time article can be found here.

In what is one of the best lines ever written about parenthood, author John Cloud says, “Now comes new research showing that having kids is not only financially foolish but that kids literally make parents delusional.”

I knew it.

There are a group of parents out there who, upon learning of my happily childfree life, feel the need to lecture me.  I’ve never quite worked out why they do this.  I don’t feel the need to lecture them on their reproductive choices.  But these are the parents who are damned and determined to tell me how having children is simply the best choice they’ve ever made, by far.  I smile politely. because what do you say to that?  I could wax poetically about the joys of not having children, too, but there’s really no point.  These parents are on an all out mission to convince me that I need to have kids.  I’ve harbored a secret thought for a while that it wasn’t really me these parents were trying to convince...

Enter the theory of cognitive-dissonance.  To quote Mr. Cloud again, cognitive-dissonance “suggests that people are highly motivated to justify, deny or rationalize to reduce the cognitive discomfort of holding conflicting ideas.”

I’m a conflicting idea for these parents.  I’m a successful, happy person, satisfied and complete.  My family is whole and strong.  All without children.  I do not live my life to challenge anyone, and I am not childfree as a way of giving those who choose differently the finger.  But I think, sometimes, this is how I am being perceived.  Hence the onslaught of all the reasons why I’m wrong and they’re right.

The studies the Time article looks at tested the hypothesis that “idealizing the emotional rewards of parenting helps parents to rationalize the financial costs of raising children.”

“Here’s how cognitive-dissonance theory works when applied to parenting: having kids is an economic and emotional drain. It should make those who have kids feel worse. Instead, parents glorify their lives. They believe that the financial and emotional benefits of having children are significantly higher than they really are.”

And their conclusion?

“When we have invested a lot in a choice that turns out to be bad, we’re really inept at admitting that it didn’t make rational sense. Other research has shown that we romanticize our relationships with spouses and partners significantly more when we believe we have sacrificed for them. We like TVs that we’ve spent a lot to buy even though our satisfaction is no lower when we watch a cheaper television set.”

“As Eibach and Mock write, “As children’s economic value plummeted, their perceived emotional value rose, creating a new cultural model of childhood that [one researcher] aptly dubbed ‘the economically worthless but emotionally priceless child.”