Permissive Parents

There's a wonderful article on CNN this morning, about permissive parents and the brats they're raising.  That's right, they even used the word "brats." 

You can find the article here.

I have to say, I agree with the author on most of the points made.  I hate it when parents allow their children to get away with obnoxious behavior without intervening.  I'm tired to eating at high end restaurants and hearing a child scream or ruin the ambiance with their glowing gadgetry.  I'm sick of hearing a child yammer through a movie because the parent is too ineffective to tell them not to disturb everyone around them.

Children need to learn that they are not more important than everyone else.  They are not somehow so special that the rules don't apply to them.  It's a little worrisome that parents wonder why their teenagers show no respect or consideration when these are learned habits from childhood. 

Mom's Resent Dad's

A new article on the Time website, looks at the idea that mom's resent dad's for the amount dad's do when it comes to child rearing.  The article can be found here.

The article states that according to a sample of 1200 mothers "92% of working moms and 89% of their stay-at-home (SAHM) sisters report feeling overwhelmed by the demands of work, maintaining a household and parenting, prompting more than 60% to say they feel like they're piloting the parenting plane solo."

Fascinatingly, it didn't seem to matter if the mother's worked full time, part time, or were stay at home parents.  "Of the 1,259 women surveyed, 91% were married and 9% had a significant other with whom they lived. Working moms accounted for 68% of the respondants (54% worked full-time); the remaining 32% identified themselves as SAHMs."  They all felt they did more work and felt resentful.

Now, I know I may get strung up for this, but really?!  I have a lot of sympathy for the 54% of mom's who work full time.  They are basically working two jobs while their partner works only one, or maybe one and a half.  But I really don't feel all that bad for the 32% of SAHMs.  Taking care of the house and children is their job.  It's a worthy job, and should be treated as labor the same as a job that brings in income, but to expect a spouse to work all day and then come home and do half the things involved in caring for a house and children is absurd when one partner stays home.

I'm so glad my husband and I split the household chores, but then we both work full time so it's really only fair.  If he stayed home all day, damn straight I'd expect to come home to a clean house and dinner.

Ah, Wedding Season!

It's that time of year again, wedding season.  I hate wedding season.  Not because I don't enjoy watching my friends and family exchange vows of love (I actually quite enjoy that bit) but because it's always a sad reminder of how pathetically greedy people are. 

My biggest pet peeve with regards to weddings is registries.  Not having them, but advertising them.  The happy couple simply cannot wait to tell anyone who will listen exactly what they deem appropriate for a gift.  What's the easiest way to do that?  Put the information right there in the invitation!  This is just so tacky and rude, I can't believe people can look at themselves in the mirror afterwards without cringing at their own greedy reflection.  You invite people to weddings, not the gifts you hope to extract from them as payment. 

CNN recently posted an article about registering for honeymoons.  You can read it here.  Basically it's about couples that "already have everything" (Oh, life is hard for some people!) and so they want their guests to pay for their honeymoon instead.  I love that the couples used as examples in this article are those on their second or third marriage.  Subsequent marriages don't require gifts at all, particularly if you attended a previous marriage.  So asking for them seems a little optimistic. 

Now, ultimately, I don't really even have a problem with the honeymoon registry idea.  But for goodness sake, don't go around telling people.  Should people ask, then mention you have a registry.  It's the same as a child having a birthday party.  It's okay to tell your aunt that you'd really like a video game when she says, "What would like for your birthday?"  But it's not okay to march up to poor Aunt May and say, "Seeing as you're coming to my party, I want Super Mario Wii!"

You're suppose to be an adult when you get married.  At least try to act like one with a little dignity and class.

"The Plan"

by Te55♥

My husband and I often joke about how everyone we know is following The Plan.  This is nothing more than the course of life that many people choose to follow.  It goes like this:

1. Graduate high school
2. Get some sort of post secondary
3. Meet someone
4. Get married
5. Buy a house
6. Have children
7. Spend your life working, accumulating possessions, go on predicable vacations, rack up debt, work to pay off debt, upgrade the car and house, pressure your now grown children for grandchildren...
8. Grow old and die

You can quibble with #7 if you like, about how meaningful life is because of step #6, but this is the general path of life many people follow.  And it's just not for us. 

Whenever we face something challenging and difficult, such as hauling ourselves to another hemisphere or volunteering in a developing nation, this is often what we come back to.  We are making a conscious choice not to follow The Plan. 

I should be clear that I don't think less of people who chose to follow The Plan, so long as this is what genuinely makes them happy.  Where my problem lies is with people who follow it out of lack of anything better to do, or out of inertia, or because it's what their parents did.  In the same way people look at me in confusion with regards to not wanting children, I look right back at them thinking, "But don't you want anything more out of life?!"

My goals for this life are actually pretty simple.  I want to see the world.  All of it.  And I want to leave the planet a little bit better for my having been here.  I'm consuming a lot of resources by my very existence, and I want to be worthy of them.  I don't need my name published in history books, just to know that in the balance, I did more good than harm.  For me, that doesn't mean following The Plan.

Should the Dead Have Children?

Time posted an article titles "Should Men Be Allowed to Father Children After They're Dead?"  In the article the issue of using frozen sperm posthumously to conceive children is looked at.

"In Australia, a woman was granted permission last month to use her dead husband's sperm in an in-vitro fertilization (IVF) attempt to create a child. In Israel, grieving grandparents are petitioning a court to allow them to use their dead son's sperm to conceive a grandchild. And in California, a woman is due in three months with her husband's child — even though her husband died not long before she got pregnant."

This children at any cost, using them to recover from the grief of losing a loved one, disturbs me.  Children are not replacements, and they shouldn't be brought into the world because a wife or parents are desperate to hold on to some part of the person they lost. 

I have been through several heart shattering deaths in my life, and understand the desire for having something, anything, of the person who is now gone still be a part of my everyday world.  But children should be brought into the world because they are wanted, not because they are a fragile link to a deceased partner or child.  

The God Argument

One of the most insidious arguments I've heard about why it is my duty to procreate is that "God says."  (Okay, there's usually more to it than that, but that's what it boils down to.)  How do you argue with that?  In one way, it's very easy: I don't believe in God.  But ultimately, this can just lead to more horror on the part of the religious nutcase, and is sometimes a place I just don't want to go.  Alternatively, the person walks away shaking their head with pity in their eyes, because you are clearly not only broken you're also going to hell.  Maybe it's better you aren't condemning your children, too.  This is a really unsatisfying end to the conversation!  There is absolutely no middle ground that can be reached between me and the religious individual.  You both leave the conversation feeling the other person is totally wrong and a bit of a nutter, to boot.  There's nothing to be done about it, it's just irritating.

Loving One Child More - Or, Another Reason I'm Happy Being Childfree

Over on a website for parents called Babble, there's a poor mother who opened herself up to a world of criticism.  She openly stated that she loves her son more than her daughter.  The full post can be read here.

I think she's very brave for saying what she did.  Because I think she's right and many, many parents aren't able to admit it. 

The author states:

There are moments – in my Sophie’s Choice type musings – when I wonder which child it would really be worse to lose…if I were ever forced to choose. I immediately feel awful and want to go and hug them both and never let them go.  It’s like watching a bus accident on TV: you can’t help but wonder, “What if that was my kid??” And then you are horrified that anything could ever happen to your precious children…it can’t, it just can’t!!

Then I feel terrible and ashamed for ever having thought such a thing, because I really love my daughter and I would never want to lose her at all.  When she’s not being defiant, she’s a lovely little girl who makes me laugh and marvel at all of the stories she tells and all the things she can do.  She was a very late talker so there are times that I still want to write down every word that comes out of her mouth and hold it up and cherish it.  And she’s been talking non-stop for a year now.

In the time I've spent on this planet of ours, my observations have led me to believe that many parents of multiple children have a favorite.  Even if they aren't willing to say it out loud.

The sheer amount of vitriol slung at this mother astounds me.  She was being honest about her feeling, and she is clearly trying to be a good parent.  She is critically examining her feelings and that is an action that should be applauded.  Just because we, as people, aren't suppose to feel something, doesn't mean that we don't.  That said, I'm glad this is one problem I'll never face.

The Strange Things Women Do When They're Pregnant

As someone who puts forth a good deal of effort not getting pregnant, I understand that I am coming at the whole "baby bump" fascination from the other side.  I happen to think pregnant women are kind of cute, in a "oh, thank the heavens it's not me!" kind of way, so I can see how people who are really into wanting children would be delighted by the big bellies that lead to babies.  Photographs of nude pregnant women has been a trend ever since Demi Moore did it in 1991 for Vanity Fair and photography studios everywhere now offer pregnancy shoots.  I have seen more acquaintances naked this way than I ever wanted to...  Why it seems people feel the need to take these images and plaster them over Facebook, I'll never know.  You wouldn't post naked shots sans baby bump, so don't do it with one!  Please leave it up to my imagination and keep those personal pictures for you and your loving family!

What I truly don't get is the trend of molding pregnant bellies into displays.  I really don't understand why someone would do this.  What are you going to do with it?  Display the thing?! Your ten year old will not thank you when his friends come over and you proudly show off the belly from which said ten year old came from.  (The other 10 year old's will happily tease your son for the rest of his schooling days about having seen his mother's knockers, though.  You think I'm exaggerating, but I've seen it first hand.  10 year old boys have absolutely zero concept about the beauty of pregnancy.)

 Oh, well, says the mom to be, in that case, I'll just do the mold without my breasts!  Great.  Now we have a disembodied stomach, with no reference as to what it is.  That's not creepy in the slightest. (Hand on a ball?  A giant melon?  Oh!  A belly!)

Or, instead of having just a tummy, how about we paint that thing up into a work of art!  Only, now moms-to-be are even more likely to want to hang it on the wall, leading once more to the 10 year old child's eternal embarrassment.  Not to mention the awkwardness of visiting house guests who are politely admiring the piece, while wishing they had stayed home.

Heard of any other strange pregnancy memorabilia?  I'm sure they're out there...

The Last Post

If you haven't already heard about it, there is an amazing blogger in Canada who posthumously published one last blog post (read it here).  It is one of the most amazing things I have ever read, and I highly recommend it.

The author, Derek Miller, has been blogging for over 10 years, and didn't stop when he found out he had cancer, or that it was terminal.  His last post has gone viral and it's estimated it has been read over 8 million times.  For me, it is the last line that I'll remember, as he's speaking to his wife.  "I loved you deeply, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you." 

As I've mentioned before, I lost my mother a little over a year ago to cancer.  And underneath the searing pain that still hunts me, is the knowledge that I was loved.  I never worry if my mother would have forgiven me for any mistakes I made along the way, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she did.  She forgave my mistakes before I even made them.  I can only hope that when it is my time to face the end of my life, that I can do it with the grace and dignity that Mr. Miller showed. 

An Ode to Great Parents

I know that it may seem that I'm very down on children in general.  (When the blog is about being childfree, is that really surprising?)  One of the problems I have with children is that there are a shockingly small number of good parents.  I deal with children and parents quite regularly in my everyday life, and have come to the conclusion that very few people truly are "good parents."

This is, of course, not something you're allowed to say.  In our society, everyone is a good parent.  We go out of our way to reassure people of this from the moment they conceive (or even consider conceiving).  "Oh, you're going to be such a good mom!"  No one ever says, "Hmmm, have you really thought this through?  I mean, you two are nice people, sure, but I'm not so sure how you'll do as parents..."  When you add to this the fact that we have become an over-entitled, "don't judge me" society and, well, things were bound to get interesting. 

Please don't mistake me, I do not think society is going to hell in a hand-basket.  (Okay, I occasionally do, but it's a fleeting thought and I try to remember that people have thought the world was going to hell in a hand-basket from the moment there were people so it's probably not true...)  What I do think is that like everything else people do, parenting requires skill, talent, and effort, and that there are people who are better at it than other people. 

My girlfriend is a great mother, and I admire her every time I see her interact with her child.  I also see how much work she puts into her role as a mother each and every day, and I openly admit that I have no desire to follow in her footsteps.  Perhaps the best thing about my girlfriend is her honesty.  She tells it like it is and will openly state that the past years have not been magical or really even fun.  There's been fun parts, but mostly it's been a great deal of hard work.  (She says she's having more fun now that he's a bit older and they're doing a lot more, and it's easy to see how spending time with her child would be a delightful endeavor.  He has grown into a wonderful little person.) 

I salute good parents everywhere.   I wish there were a lot more of you.

I Am Not Your Babysitter!

Photo by left-hand

The other day at the doctor's office, I had a fun little experience that reminded me how child-centric our society is.  I was reading my book when a grandmother and her two grandchildren, aged 4 and 6, walk in.  (I know their ages, because she loudly told the person she sat beside.) 

The 4 year old, a little girl, walked right up to me and announced, "I have a dress on!"  I gave her a smile and told her that, yes, she did and it was very pretty.  Then I went back to my book.  The little girl proceeded to climb up onto the chair next to me and start to prattle about whatever it is that interests 4 year old people.  I looked up at her grandmother to intervene as I was clearly involved in my book and not interested in babysitting.  The grandmother smiles sweetly at me and says, "Oh, you might as well put your book away, she's going to be your friend!"

Um.  No. 

The child is not mine, at no point did I agree to take on any responsibility for it, and it is not my job to entertain it.   I gave the grandmother a pointed look and went back to my book, ignoring the girl until she got bored and went away. 

Now, I know full well I offended the grandmother.  I also know, from the sighs and muttering around me, that other patients thought I was being rude.  But I maintain that expecting strangers to provide any sort of child care is far more rude than having the stranger refuse to accept the unwanted and unasked for responsibility.  It says rather a lot about the perception people have of their children that they think everyone should want to drop what they're doing to fawn over them.

Mother's Day

I admit it.  I hate Mother's Day.  It a day where the whole world conspires to remind me that I no longer have a mother.  Commercials, friend's Facebook postings, crafts made by children, and storefront displays all gleefully shout that this day is for celebrating mother's.  And my heart breaks a little more at each one, until Mother's Day finally gets here and I'm so shaken and vulnerable inside that I spend the day hiding from more reminders that everyone else out there seems to have a mother or be a mother. 

My mother died a year ago in March of cancer.

I am not yet at the point where memories of my mother are sweet.  While there are happy things that I remember, they don't make me feel happy again.  Instead they stab at my heart with sharp points and remind me keenly of everything I no longer have.  I will be very glad when Mother's Day is over.

An Heir and a Spare

I admit it, I watched a few highlights from the royal wedding.  For about 20 minutes I was glued to my computer looking at pictures and watching short video clips.  I liked the dress.  Then I moved on, because weddings just aren't that fascinating, even my own.  (It took me nearly four years to finish my wedding album, because I got bored looking at wedding photos.)

However, at work that day all the buzz about about the wedding.  And when children would come.  I must admit that I felt a little sorry for William and Catherine.  Apart from not having a choice about having kids, these two will be expected to get to it, post haste.  We no longer live in a time when the monarchy really has to have kids, the country will go on even if they don't.  But even with that it's kind of a foregone conclusion that they will.

There was brief chatter about amending the dated and sexist succession rules to allow women equal rights to rule (and not get skipped over for just about anyone else available with a dangling bit), and that would be nice to see.  Should Will and Kate have a daughter it would be nice if she didn't get immediately forgotten about while everyone waits for the "right" gendered child to come along.  But I still think it's sad that it's an absolute given that these two will procreate.  What if they don't want to?

Jenny McCarthy, medical expert

I'm going to veer a little to the left today, and I don't want to get into the vaccine debate here, but I just read something rather horrifying.  Time has posted as article stating that "24% of parents surveyed recently by the University of Michigan say they place “some trust” in information provided by celebrities such as McCarthy about the safety of vaccines."

The entire article can be found here.

It goes on to say that "Most parents — 76% — ranked their doctor's advice highest, but 67% placed “some” trust in family and friends and 65% trusted parents who thought vaccines had harmed their children. Just 2% of parents trusted celebrities “a lot,” but 24% trusted them to “some” extent."

What?!

This is one of the more terrifying things I have ever read.  Jenny McCarthy is Playboy bunny.  She has shown her hoo-hoo to the world for profit.  She is NOT a researcher, doctor, or scientist.  Why any one would listen to her about anything other than the benefits of bikini waxing absolutely floors me.  Quite frankly, the whole family and friends thing is a little scary, too.  Unless they happen to be medical doctors, researchers, or scientists.  A popular saying in science it that the plural of anecdotes is not data, and when it comes to vaccines most people will throw around their personal experiences.  Or that of their friend.  Or that person they read about once on the interwebs.

I'm generally all for seeking opinions.  But when it comes to the health of a child, not to mention the health of groups of children (herd immunity), opinion should step aside and decisions should be made on evidence. 

Whether a parent vaccinates or not is not the issue here.  There are valid reasons for both choices.  But making that choice based on anything Jenny McCarthy has to say is, well, stupid.   I know there was evidence that parents are deluded (see previous post here), but I just can't believe this many seem to be stupid. 

A Vent

Photo by by Mr. Kimberly

Today I had lunch with my co-workers.  Because people feel no compunction to open the floor to my reproductive choices, I was asked (again) why I didn't want children.  I hate these conversations.  I hate feeling I have to defend myself against something, I hate not being able to actually speak my mind for fear of offending someone...

As an appeal to the general public: The next time you happen to corner some poor individual regarding their choice to procreate the following comments and questions are NOT appreciated.  At all.



1. You'll regret it.
2. You're missing out on a great experience.
3. Who will take care of you when you're old?
4. You'll change your mind.
5. Once you have children, you realize how shallow you were before.
6. You'll never know what love really is.
7. It's good that you know you're too selfish to have kids.
8. What are your going to do with your life?

None of these thing are helpful.  What they are is judgmental and ignorant.  If you can't say something nice, please don't say anything at all.

There Are Very Few Places That Cater to the Childfree

One of the things I think gets lost amid the parents and children out there, are those of us who would enjoy a childfree environment out in public.  Not generally out in public, but in specific places.  But there seems to be very few of these places in existence.  Any restaurant with a kids menu is somewhere I would expect to find children.  But I've been surprised lately at the number of restaurants where I wouldn't expect families with children, and yet, there they are.  I'm talking about higher end places, with no kids menu or booster seats available, and perhaps even a dress code. 

These are not kid friendly environments, yet parents seems to blithely ignore this fact.  Instead they let their little darlings make noise, cry, or bring bright electronic devices into quiet, dimly lit, and distinctly adult orientated places.  The attitude seems to be, "If you don't like it, don't look.  Or eat somewhere else."

But the thing is, I'm paying for a more expensive meal because I enjoy the atmosphere of the restaurant.  Only now the quiet is being pierced by loud little voices, and the romantic lighting is brightened by a portable DVD player, iPad, or game system.  In subdued lighting, these bright little screens are very distracting.

This attitude, that my child is so special I don't have to take anyone else into consideration, really burns my butt!  Having children is not an excuse for throwing all manners out the window, and children are not an excuse for rude behavior.  If you're going to bring your child to an adult oriented restaurant, then teach them to behave in one.  And in return, I'll ignore their screams and electronics when I'm anywhere that serves chicken fingers.

Kid Crazy: Why We Exaggerate the Joys of Parenthood by Time

The entire Time article can be found here.

In what is one of the best lines ever written about parenthood, author John Cloud says, “Now comes new research showing that having kids is not only financially foolish but that kids literally make parents delusional.”

I knew it.

There are a group of parents out there who, upon learning of my happily childfree life, feel the need to lecture me.  I’ve never quite worked out why they do this.  I don’t feel the need to lecture them on their reproductive choices.  But these are the parents who are damned and determined to tell me how having children is simply the best choice they’ve ever made, by far.  I smile politely. because what do you say to that?  I could wax poetically about the joys of not having children, too, but there’s really no point.  These parents are on an all out mission to convince me that I need to have kids.  I’ve harbored a secret thought for a while that it wasn’t really me these parents were trying to convince...

Enter the theory of cognitive-dissonance.  To quote Mr. Cloud again, cognitive-dissonance “suggests that people are highly motivated to justify, deny or rationalize to reduce the cognitive discomfort of holding conflicting ideas.”

I’m a conflicting idea for these parents.  I’m a successful, happy person, satisfied and complete.  My family is whole and strong.  All without children.  I do not live my life to challenge anyone, and I am not childfree as a way of giving those who choose differently the finger.  But I think, sometimes, this is how I am being perceived.  Hence the onslaught of all the reasons why I’m wrong and they’re right.

The studies the Time article looks at tested the hypothesis that “idealizing the emotional rewards of parenting helps parents to rationalize the financial costs of raising children.”

“Here’s how cognitive-dissonance theory works when applied to parenting: having kids is an economic and emotional drain. It should make those who have kids feel worse. Instead, parents glorify their lives. They believe that the financial and emotional benefits of having children are significantly higher than they really are.”

And their conclusion?

“When we have invested a lot in a choice that turns out to be bad, we’re really inept at admitting that it didn’t make rational sense. Other research has shown that we romanticize our relationships with spouses and partners significantly more when we believe we have sacrificed for them. We like TVs that we’ve spent a lot to buy even though our satisfaction is no lower when we watch a cheaper television set.”

“As Eibach and Mock write, “As children’s economic value plummeted, their perceived emotional value rose, creating a new cultural model of childhood that [one researcher] aptly dubbed ‘the economically worthless but emotionally priceless child.”

If Only I Didn't Have Kids...

Photo by Evil Yoda

I recently announced at my workplace that my husband and I were moving across the globe for a few years.  I haven't hid the fact that this was a very real possibility for us, yet it seemed to take most of my co-workers by surprise.  The one comment I've heard over and over is, "I'd love to do something like that...  If only I didn't have kids..."

This comment is made with varying degrees of wistfulness and accusation.  I get the wistfulness.  When people talk about doing amazing things that I dream of one day doing, I also get wistful.  But the accusation I don't get.  The follow up comments are usually offered are then usually along the lines of, "It must be nice to not have kids."  Or if people are feeling venomous, "It must be nice to have no responsibility." 

I don't apologize for being childfree.  It was a very conscious choice on my part after many long discussions with my husband.  We talked about what we really wanted out of our lives, and determined that children were not a part of what we envisioned.  So now we have the freedom to do things like pick up and move to the other side of the world.  Besides, ultimately, I don't think children stop people from doing things like this, families move all the time.

Becoming a Mother at Any Cost

Today I read about Rajo Devi Loha, believed to be the world's oldest mother at age 70.  She is dying just 18 months after giving birth to her daughter.  She has been quoted as saying: "I dreamed about having a child all my life," she told the Daily Mail. "It does not matter to me that I am ill, because at least I lived long enough to become a mother."

The entire Mail article can be found here:  World's Oldest Mother Dying

Now, I know I have a particular bias here, as a childfree individual.  But the whole idea of becoming a mother at all costs, with no regard for the child you are bringing into the world is very disturbing.  One of the accusations that has been hurled at me for my procreation choices is that I am selfish.  I have rejected this idea totally, but things like this make me want to scream, "And you call me selfish?!"

Mrs Lohan's doctor Anurag Bishnoi has said,  "Even though Rajo's health is deteriorating, at least she will die in peace,' he said. 'She does not have to face the stigma of being barren."

Yes, I can completely understand how leaving a daughter without a mother is better than being barren.  How the putting the purely selfish desire to have a baby before consideration for that child and the life they will have is better than being barren.

A Safe Haven

Image: By by Mish Bradley at http://www.flickr.com/photos/mishbradley/316813381/

Why a blog about being childfree?  It's a fair question.  There are other blogs and website dedicated to the same purpose, many of which (I'm sure) are far superior to this humble one. 

The truth is that, at this point in time, children are a major part of my thoughts.  Their presence in my life is unmistakable, even with their physical absence.  I am an educated, professional, married woman.  I am at a stage in my life when "normal women" want children.  My friends are all either parents or trying to become parents.  Setting me dramatically apart, I just had a serious conversation with my husband about getting a vasectomy. 

I have known for a long time that I haven't wanted to children.  There is no part of me that yearns to be a mother.  But the pressure and questions are intimidating, and (not surprisingly) none of my friends understand this.  So I created a safe haven.  My hope is to provide information and resources to others like me, who have no intention of ever becoming mothers as well as perhaps explain why I am okay with my choice, while at the same time affirming things in my own mind.

 So, on that note, welcome to Free From Kids.  I hope you'll come back soon to see all that I have planned.